Quit Future Tripping
For Time-Anxious Artists, Especially Women & Gender Expansive Folks
Am I too old for this dream I have? Should I give up?
You know the answer to that.
So, I should give up.
Absolutely not. Instead, let's explore where these feelings are coming from.
I’m agitated and unsure and stalling. Time is an invaluable resource. But in capitalism, I literally trade my time and labor for money, yet it feels impossible to quantify. Whatever that number ends up being doesn't seem like enough.
I see.
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I barely recognize myself. The days and months go by quickly, making minutes and hours precious– like a porcelain cup that should be handled carefully. Instead, I panic. I drop everything. My thoughts scatter like broken shards on the floor. It's debilitating. What if I’m out of time? What if I’ll never reach my goals? Have I even accomplished enough as a creative person to begin with? I see younger people flourishing as their ideas take off. I'm resentful of their hopefulness. They seem so carefree.
Why do you think that carefreeness brings up resentment in you?
Well, I remember being new to this. I remember being naive, trusting, and joyous. I hadn't yet felt my first major setbacks. The world was my oyster. I hadn't yet hit my head against brick walls or made colossal mistakes that rocked my worldview.
Wow. That's a vulnerable insight. I don't have all the answers. I mean, I'm the voice inside your head. I'm your muse. But I'd like to offer you something.
I'll take whatever I can get at this point.
Yes. Time is a treasure. Tomorrow is not promised. We should use our time wisely, but we should also give ourselves grace. What's weird is we're constantly time-traveling if we don't see the bigger picture. Too many people live in the past or jump to the future. Being present is the real flex. Being in the now is magical.
Ok, but I'm not a Zen master. Come back to earth, muse. What about the challenges of being a more experienced woman in a non-traditional field? Why do I have imposter syndrome, and why do younger people trigger me?
You’re not going crazy. Ageism is real. We revered and respected our elders in ancient times. Nowadays, older people often live in poverty and isolation. Plus, our culture obsesses over youth, and companies make billions exploiting anti-aging pain points. Ageism primarily affects older people. And because of our intersecting identities, it affects older women of color more acutely.
That's true, but I also see how young women suffer. Older people sometimes dismiss young women’s voices. We overlook their insights and the fresh ways they approach problems. There's a ton of pressure on the youth, too. They're thrown into the deep end and told to sink or swim in a society that hasn’t built solid support systems.
Yes, we can be in solidarity with young artists, too. One of my favorite quotes is an African proverb that says if the youth are not initiated into the village, they will burn it down just to feel its warmth.
Whoah. That's deep. This whole conversation is helping me. It's giving me things to think about.
I'm glad. Perhaps the resentment wasn't really about other people. The resentment may have had to do with unanswered questions, questions that have been buried inside you and need to be unearthed.
I think so.
This might be a whole new creative project in the making.
Prompt (If You Choose to Accept It)
The below prompt was written by the late Bay Area artist, Susan O’Malley.
O’Malley’s work was deeply rooted in socially-engaged practice. She interviewed community members from age 7 - 88 years old and asked them this same question:
Imagine you had the opportunity to time travel and meet yourself at 80, to sit down and have a cup of tea with your 80-year-old self. You look into her eyes, which are really your older, wiser eyes. It’s a strange experience because this person feels so familiar but is also very different: she’s older and has seen and experienced things that you don’t yet know. After sitting with her for some time, you muster the courage to ask her for advice. You take a deep breath and wait for her to respond.
What does she tell you?
Write one sentence and expand as much as you can.
Examples:
It will be better than you imagined
Keep moving, keep playing, keep dreaming.
It’s OK to have sugar in your tea.
Nothing will be what you expected.
You don’t need to know where you’re going.
This is your life, love it.